He was on a trip to Oregon but he didn’t leave home without telling me to feel better and that he’d talk to me once he got back. The day he left I felt a sense of emptiness that I had never felt before and that really bugged me. How is that I am feeling so empty? Five months had gone by and something so casual had turned into something well…not so casual I guess. I had never really realized up until that October that I actually loved him. A cold foggy, misty, Saturday in October love came knocking at my hearts door. I awaited his message to let me know he’d made it to Oregon and that I didn’t have to worry. I had begun to panic after hours had gone by, and I hadn’t heard from him. Worried all day, only later to wake up to a message after I had dozed off letting me know he’d made it and that he’d forgotten his charger. Whew *wipes forehead* at least he’s safe.
I knew that I had fallen in love but I wasn’t sure where his head was so I was afraid to tell him. I really needed to tell him what was on my heart, and SOON. I couldn’t hold such a deep secret inside for so long. Up until that point is where I realized that this man is indeed my best friend. I can talk to him about anything. Daily, I’d write everything down in a journal. I said I’d write in there because I wanted to keep him a secret, it felt like I was keeping him dear to my heart. I wanted nobody to know how I really felt not even him. I had an urgency to love him, and take care of him. I don’t know why, I couldn’t explain the love I felt inside for him even if I wanted to. We lay awake at all hours of the night sharing our dreams and our fears, stories from our past not knowing two individuals who were once strangers had so much in common. I always wondered how he felt and if he actually loved me too… I was so used to meeting a guy, they’d show interest and then they’d switch up so I was prepared he’d do the same sooner or later.
My heart had been guarded before meeting him. I didn’t trust anyone and never relied on the male species for ANYTHING. Males were trouble and I never saw any reasons to trust, that was until I met him. I let my guard down, I let him in. We spent weekends together, we laughed, and we had heart to heart conversations. I shared things with him that I hadn’t shared with another soul on earth. He was perfect or so I thought. Months had gone by and I realized that once I told him I loved him and I frequently told him how I felt things changed. It was almost as if he knew he had me where he wanted me and now that green light that came on gave him the okay. I found it very hard to come terms with the fact that the man I loved, adored, admired, and would do anything for lived a secret life. This couldn’t be the man I fell in love with. The man who constantly said he had me, in others words he’d never hurt me, but he did. Every few months there was a new girl, possible kids, sleepless nights, missed calls, countless fights, and the question of all questions, Did he love me? I needed reassurance…
I needed to know that I wasn’t in this alone and the constant questions that plagued in my mind would forever go unanswered. At times I don’t think he realized the effect that his actions had on me. The real extent of all the pain it caused deep down inside. The insecurities it created caused a lot of alterations in my everyday life. I liked people a lot but he was really my first true love. Yes, I’ve had boyfriends I had love for them but I NEVER was in love. I fell in love and love didn’t catch me. I did the unthinkable to try to move on and move forward but nothing worked. Not even seeking love from another. It was a bond or some type of hold on me that I had absolutely no control over. I left and came back, I came back and left, over and over I left and came back. I kept wanting more only to get the same results and it would never change. One day I had a conversation with him and I asked what is it about me that wasn’t recognizable? What is that people couldn’t see about a soul so great, a soul so in-tuned with itself? So powerful and so loving and caring, so full of life but yet I was overlooked. I asked him was it me? He didn’t really have much of an answer and that told me everything that I needed to know. I shouldn’t question myself because another living being can’t find it in them to realize the great in me.
When I tell this story I get the commonly most asked questions, what happened? How did you handle it? What did you do?
I did everything a lady like me could do, I held on until I could no longer hold on… I fought constantly for someone who constantly chose not to fight for me. He once told me that we had a bond that was unbreakable but I don’t think he realized that every moment my heart broke was another moment that bond broke. Today I try to erase the remnants of his love in my heart. For once I no longer have the strength or desire to love him. I thought that I was tough enough, I thought I could stand tall and weather the storm but the storm beat me. The storm washed me away a long time ago. I leave him with memories of me. I want him to remember the good in me, all the great things I had to offer and most importantly the great woman I tried to be but he wouldn’t allow me. I walk away letting him live his life the only way that he knows how, letting others in, making them believe in him, and setting them free with no remorse. I believed in all of this with all of me but suddenly one day I didn’t. The one I thought I’d marry, build a life and have a family with is now the one I fear. The very one who changed my thoughts on love and loving someone else. I can’t say I don’t believe in it I just don’t know if it truly exists.
Should there ever come another moment in my life where I am offered the opportunity to love again, I want to love someone almost like him. I wouldn’t change much; my only request would be for that one to have the same views on loyalty love and commitment as me. Someday I hope he reads this, I hope he knows I tried but now I no longer seek love because I can’t stand how it makes me feel. I hope he knows that with all the strength I’ve put into this and fighting has weakened me. I am no longer a fighter; I’ve fought until I can’t fight anymore. I am letting go and hopefully the love I once loved finds all the things he’s looking for that he didn’t find in me.