Last night and Saturday everybody who’s a fan of VH1′s Basketball Wives tuned into Oprah’s own network to watch Evelyn Lozada’s interview. I can admit, after watching last season of BBW’s I was completely turned off by Evelyn. Her behavior and the way she carried herself on the show too distasteful for my liking. She bullied and tormented other woman to uplift herself or portray herself in a better light. She displayed actions that I know too well and I am very familiar with. Not that I have EVER been Evelyn but over the years but I was always the one targeted by the “Evelyn’s” growing up. I am good at reading others and based upon her actions publicly, I could tell that Evelyn constantly played the “bad girl” role because she was hiding a side of her she didn’t want the world to see.
Evelyn’s very public relationship with football phenom Chad “Ochocinco” Johnson took a turn for the worst most recently. Chad was arrested on several counts of Domestic Violence after reportedly head butting his soon to be ex-wife Evelyn. The incident occurred after Evelyn confronted Chad about a receipt she found in her vehicle where he purchased condoms. This all took place after only 35 days of the two being married.
As Evelyn describe in detail the night that she was assaulted by her husband, her interviewee Iyanla Vanzant presses to get to the bottom of what resulted Evelyn into making such horrific and unjustifiable decisions when it came to her personal life. I tuned into the interview and couldn’t keep my eyes off of the screen. I tweeted my own thoughts and then….. I watched many young women/women, “little girls” judge Evelyn.
I can say as I sat and watched the interview I was moved to tears. Not because I felt sorry for Evelyn but because I could relate and I sympathized with her. When you grow up without a father you feel somewhat, unloved. Evelyn was very vocal on season 4 of Basketball Wives about the lacked presence of her father. A daughter should never have to grow up without the love from the man that matters most. You seek temporary fulfillment or voids to cope with the sorrow and pain that you feel throughout growing up. You never really realize how much you put yourself through until you see it through someone else’s eyes. I read as people bashed Evelyn for marrying into a situation which she knew before walking down the aisle could potentially be detrimental to not only her public image but her own safety and health. She had experienced this behavior from Chad long before the marriage and it wasn’t until he acted out in a way she could no longer hide that she took a stand and refused to accept it. As woman we meet a man, fall in love, and tolerate everything that comes with him because he’s giving us “LOVE.” What we feel or think is love from these guys half the time really isn’t it’s just filler or a void that we enjoy for the time being. In turn we fail to realize we are selling our souls, dignity, and pride, all for the cost of “love” or something like it. Evelyn had the fairy tale relationship with Chad. After several failed relationships, being a single mother at 16, and a broken engagement after a 10 year relationship. Evelyn only wanted what we all dreamed of… A happy ending. In an effort to get what she so desperately wanted she sacrificed. She ignored all of the signs only to pay for it the hard way in the long run.
How many times in a relationship have you known you weren’t the only one? Your intuition told you that this man was a dog and couldn’t be trusted. How many times had you uncovered the dirt, or it fell into your lap and after confronting him he denied it and you ignored the issues at hand? We all have been a victim of this at some point in life and in the end we end up hurt asking ourselves why? Watching the interview I finally saw the answer to my questions after each time I allowed a man to come before me. I always asked why? The answer to my why was me!!!! A man can only do what you allow. After being confronted the first time and he lies and you forgive that is giving him the okay to continue on without changing. Not only are you constantly giving a man power over your life emotions but you are depreciating your own self in value day by day.
A woman’s biggest issue is having these problems, seeing another woman go through the very things she is going through but down talking the next woman’s situation as if you are better. When in reality you both equate to each other or are in the same boat. You feel the need to speak on her or devalue her because you see yourself in the very woman you speak down on. You think that maybe…just maybe if you point out all of her flaws that it will in turn make you look and/or feel better. (Another temporary fulfillment)
My motto has recently been “I do not want to disappoint God.” For many years I was Evelyn, tolerating any and everything because I wanted and needed to feel that love. It wasn’t until I had a wakeup call that changed my world. I was on the verge of making the biggest decision in my life. I was going to go through a life altering change that I wouldn’t be able to reverse without feeling guilt or shame. I entered in the situation to prove a point after allowing a man to down me for years. I wanted to prove to him that there was life after him. I wanted to prove to all the guys that I “crushed on” “liked” that someone wanted me and it was their loss that they could no longer have me. There were many signs and red flags from the very start of this shortly lived situation but I ignored them all. It wasn’t until I had spent a week living and enjoying my life with friends. No work, no rules, no constraints or restrictions that I realized I was about to make the biggest mistake of my life. I was acting on something for all of the wrong reasons. I was involved with someone to feel a void that I felt I could fill on my own without a man. Although there were never any physical wounds like Evelyn nor were there any other women (to my knowledge) there was lots and lots of baggage. I carried on all these loads of baggage full of hurt and pain that no man on earth would survive unpacking for me. I realized that I needed to forgive myself for allowing me to be so foolish. I had to face me and say “I allowed and accepted the hurt and pain from men over the years and now I am taking myself back.” I no longer desired to be with anyone. Years ago I started to take long drives alone, go on many weekend vacations alone. It was literally nothing for me to buy a ticket and hop on a flight alone and just go. I went to the movies, dinner, you name it I did it alone. Yet I still allowed the same acts to reoccur when it came to relationships with the opposite sex. One day, I apologized to myself. I forgave me and I spent days unpacking my own luggage with hope of leaving it all behind. I left each and every one of those men in the past but first I had a heart to heart with the two that hurt and humiliated me most and unbeknownst to them in those conversations my heart and soul was forgiving them and setting them free. You don’t realize how much hatred you barrel through or carry into another situation until that new guy hurts you and you find yourself being able to recall a previous relationship where you felt the same in the past. It is never too late to find your worth. It’s never too late to stop accepting the bullshit and be baggage free. It’s never too late to forgive yourself and learn to be alone for a while. Over the past few years as I have strengthened and redeveloped my relationship with God and the changes I have made individually as a woman have been AMAZING. I can walk into a situation and know exactly what I want and if I am not getting just that I can happily turn my back and walk away. Now days I do not settle in hopes that the red flags will fade, or I will stop noticing the signals or eventually it will all get better. I learned that it will NEVER get better. The more you mask it and make excuses the worse YOU allow the situation to get. There is and NEVER will be a substitute for YOUR worth. Don’t allow temporary love or fulfillment make you believe that accepting BS is what you deserve. The only thing in life you deserve is happiness. If your situation brings you more pain than joy, forgive yourself and him and GET OUT!!!! I tell all of my friends if you have ever wondered why you continue to feel the same pain but the extent of those pain progresses each time you allow the situation back into your life. It is only because you are continuing to allow it and now God is making sure that you feel it all 10 fold. When you rely on man for peace, happiness, love, and all of the other things God is capable of providing what you are telling God simply is “he is not worthy enough.” If you’ve ever been in a situation and one minute it’s bad then the next minute it’s good, and then it’s bad all the time from that point on. It’s nobody but God trying to get your attention. When God has a hard time grasping ones attention he starts to go after and take away all of the things that once were able to capture your full and undivided attention. So when you’ve lost everything, you’re hurting and crying tears daily. When you’re distraught and asking yourself why? Why are all the people you were there for nowhere to be found? Why is that man you loved so much wrapped in the arms of someone else? You’re ignoring God’s presence and he is who you should rely on solely for everything. I no longer seek love, or anyone to feel my voids because those days are long gone. I love myself wholeheartedly and I am grateful for the woman God is shaping me to be. I can be alone and enjoy life single and happy because an honest, pure, everlasting love is promised to me regardless without me having to go out looking for it. When you recognize your worth and give your heart to God he is sure to place it in the hands of someone deserving. For those of you who have children esp. little girls be that mold and an inspiring image. Do not teach your daughters it’s okay to tolerate a non-worthy man. Do not teach your sons that it is okay to treat a woman anyway that they please and get away with it. STOP seeking the man that YOU find worthy… Accept and forgive yourself and wait for the man God places into your life and whom he feel is worthy enough of you and your presence. I am proud to say that the very few men I allowed in was NOT and is still not worthy of the woman I am today and that is fine with me.
Be blessed; forgive yourself, LOVE yourself, and allow yourself time to heal. Unpack the luggage and leave the baggage at the door.
With much love,