I often wonder where the paths of unhealthy relationships begin. When these paths begin are they ever really promised to end? I can recall the very first time that I had ever let a man into my life. I went into that relationship believing that it was never ending. In my mind we’d be happily married and live comfortably. As a child I grew up lacking the love of a father. As an adult I now see the major roll that played in the choices I made in men. My lack of love from a male figure growing up later clouded my judgment in men overall. I was so eager to feel what I had never felt I’d go seeking it from the most harmful people and situations. Throughout life we go through many experiences. We experience our first heart break; we cry for some time and eventually get over it. A few years ago I took notice of all the past hurts I carried along into my present situations. All that is, is an excessive amount of baggage. My love life was reminiscent of the “domino effect.” No matter how much I tried to keep everything in line things would always fall. I guess to clarify what I mean I’ll say, no matter how much I loved, how hard I loved, my heart continuously ended up broken. I loved the same man despite what he had done and continued to do for almost six years. I would spend countless nights crying myself to sleep. I hated the sight of myself and I hated what I allowed this toxic love to turn me into. I was no longer the woman I had once known. A soul so bright and vibrant was tormented and scorned.
I was unrecognizable; my soul was foreign to my body. Every day I awoke I felt like my soul was corrupted and an evil spirit lived inside of me. I was hurt so very badly. I had allowed a man’s selfish ways and infidelity take control over me and my life. I wanted so badly to move on but this particular relationship had a strange demanding control over me. The moment I was prepared to move on he’d work his magic and I’d be right back intertwined into his toxic ways. I was ready to move on and move forward the more I was damaged. Moving on is never something that is particularly easy but it can be done.
I was so lost and confused that I had the slightest clue where to begin. The moment I was confident enough to leave I’d tell myself that I was nothing without him. I lived my life vicariously through a man for so long that I had adopted the feeling he made me who I was. I felt in my heart that life wouldn’t be the same without him. This man was totally aware of the hold he possessed over me and my spirit. Deep down inside I believe that he too thought that there wasn’t any life without him. I was fighting myself to stay afloat day by day. I felt alone in the world. I felt that nobody truly understood the extent of my pain, not even him. I was angry with him, I was angry with the women he cheated with. I was angry with everyone in the world except the one person I should have been upset with the most. I should have been upset with myself 4 years prior to my break down. I saw the signs long before things had carried on and really started to take a turn for the worse. I was so eager and desperate for a love to call my own; I ignored the signs and tolerated them. I allowed this man to misuse me and murder myself worth and self-esteem all for the sacrifice of a relationship. I allowed and accepted the hurt and pain from that relationship over the years and never took accountability for it. It was my entire fault and deep down inside I knew that but never wanted to admit it. I knew that I played a major part in the things that took place yet, I still allowed the same acts to reoccur. I still forgave him every time he cheated. I forgave him every time he didn’t take knowledge of the woman I had become or was to him.
I put myself through hell and constantly allowed the same events to reoccur over and over. I ignored the signs even when they were there. There are many signs that enough is enough and it’s time to move on. In all the million signs I am willing to share the top five with you all that brought me to my breaking point.
1. Insecurities and Self Confidence:
When your insecurities in a relationship are at an all-time high and your confidence is at its lowest point it’s time to let go. I found myself trying to alter my image hoping that it would make him love me more. I was attention deprived. I was selling myself so short and stooping so low because I wanted him to want only me. Despite my countless efforts there were still other women. No matter what I did I was NEVER the “only one.” I looked in the mirror daily and hated what I saw because I allowed a man’s lack of knowledge how beautiful of a woman I truly am to alter how I felt about my own self. Never allow a relationship to tear you down to your core. Never allow a relationship to break your confidence in such a way you aren’t recognizable to you. Don’t allow the problems of a relationship to determine how beautiful you are, how strong you are, or what you can deliver as an individual. Not everyone will love and appreciate you as they should but knowing your worth and having full self-confidence will able you to walk away from anything that doesn’t serve you what deserve.
2. Happiness and Health:
I can recall crying randomly at the oddest times. Someone could mention his name and ask a simple question that didn’t pertain to our relationship status and I’d break down. I was angry, hurt, and damaged. In my mind I was damaged goods and I’d never recover from the pain I had endured over the course of those 5 ½ years. My happiness had faded and I was bitter. I envied other couples happiness because I wasn’t receiving the love I longed for. I found myself back and forth to the doctor because I was so unhealthy. I stressed and my weight was trickling down. I didn’t bother to keep up with my appearance or anything. The unhappiness had rained upon my life and it controlled everything in, around, and about me. When you find yourself unhappy and losing track of your health it is a sign that it is time to remove yourself from your relationship and move on.
3. When you are in doubt of ones loyalty to you:
I had begun to question his loyalty to me in the early stages of our relationship. It started when I’d discover he’d go travel with different women and take them on dates etc. He constantly made excuses for his unjustifiable actions. I knew that he wasn’t loyal to me but I let it slide. The more I ignored things the more they got worse. I hardly ever came first. I was around only for the things that were to his liking and a convenience for him. A man who’s loyal to you will honor and respect your feelings. He will not carry on frivolously with different types of women openly with no regard to your feelings. A man who’s loyal and who loves you and only you, you never remotely consider doubting. A man will let it be known who is number one in his life. A man who is loyal will NOT allow an open invitation into his and his woman’s space for other chicks to cause disruption. With all of that being said that leads me to sign number four you should move on…
4. When confrontations with another woman or generally speaking, the opposite sex begin to arise:
When you’re constantly in confrontation with someone else your spouse is involved with LET GO. I can recall times where I was blatantly verbally assaulted and attacked and he did nothing. In these moments chicks that he would cheat with would come after me, torment me verbally along with their “entourage” and he sat back and watched it all go down. Not only does that shed light on where his loyalty lies but it lets you know you need to throw in the towel. If you’re constantly arguing with the “side piece”, “mistress” etc. your space isn’t solely your space. When you aren’t around another woman is filling your shoes and doing all the things only you should. When you tolerate things like that you find yourself competing with people you shouldn’t have to compete with. You try to keep up with them to prove a point or show seniority in his life when all that isn’t necessary. When you are valued and appreciated by one man he will protect you and defend you. The man who’s meant distinctly for you will go out of his way at all costs to ensure your security and trust in him and your relationship. Besides all of that, the most important thing to remember is that none of this will occur when you’re involved in an honest pure relationship. When involved in an honest, pure relationship it will only consists of two people.
5. When you’re physically, mentally, and emotionally drained:
I got tired. I was weary and I was disappointed every single day. Emotionally, I was so fed up of crying every single day. I was emotionally tired of trying to convince him that I was the one and he should do right by me. I battled with my emotions daily. It was a competition on how I felt about him compared to what I should have been feeling for myself. Was he more important than me? Was he truly worth the countless numbers of tears I continued to shed? Daily I asked myself these questions but not willing to face the fact I had long ago knew the answers to them all. Mentally I couldn’t think straight. It was a struggle daily. I constantly battled with my thoughts regarding my relationship. I played mind games with myself trying to put the pieces together of the relationships that existed outside of ours. Why the hell did I care? Why didn’t I just leave? I was full of so much resentment and I still chose to stay. My heart was no longer in it but mentally I battled my emotions and convinced myself that it was worth the sacrifices I chose to make. Physically I had lost my glow. My smile which would once light up a room, was now dull. I wasn’t confident in myself physically at all and believe it or not it was very noticeable. I’d be dressed lavishly from head to toe and people would walk right past me without noticing. I wasn’t vibrant internally and it showed externally. The only way to change that was to move forward with my life.
Today I am a different woman. God had a plan for me and a higher calling that I would not have reached unless I was pulled down to my lowest points. I was at an all-time life low, it wasn’t until I restored my faith and spiritual relationship that things did a 360. I relied on this man so much and put everything else to the side, including my relationship with God. We all know that our God is a jealous God. We will go through hell, hot water, and back as long as we receive the message that was intended for us. My message was evident and so abundantly clear. Unhealthy relationships occur often. It is up to you to be aware and alert of those you welcome into your space. When you experience a breakthrough you develop a great gift called discernment. The gift of discernment goes a long way. You are more aware of the relationships that could potentially cause hurt and pain. You end them before they begin. You expect far less and require a whole lot more. Unhealthy relationships are tolerated by individuals who lack confidence in themselves and will accept any type of treatment just to feel accepted. Move on and stop holding on to toxic situations and toxic people. Holding on to things that aren’t meant for you sometimes means blocking the blessings God is patiently waiting to bestow upon your life. Keep your faith in God and stop putting your faith in man. Let go of all the old hurt and pain that causes you to not live life as freely as you should. You don’t really realize how much hatred you barrel and carry through life until you’re hurt again and forced to relive your past. Release your past, grow spiritually, and learn to be happy alone before you’re happy with another. In order to be whole you have to forgive you for subjecting yourself to such traumatic situations. The toxic waste I polluted my life with strengthened me. When the man I loved pulled away from me it drew me closer to a man far more powerful and worthy of my attention. I am happy as an individual because I know that there is no love like God’s love. I am confident, I am carefree, and I am living and pursuing my dreams. I got my glow back. I catch smiles and turn heads. I am experiencing a joy that I never once knew. Learn to be blessed and recognize your blessings. Love yourself and allow yourself time to heal before engaging in another relationship. Unpack your baggage and leave it where you may. Always remember that life offers lessons and in my opinion there is no greater life lesson to learn and grown from than an unhealthy relationship.