As a woman I try to always acknowledge my freedom along with my free will to speak and my free will to love. The that downside to all of that that I never think twice about exercising my right to judge. I love so freely and wholeheartedly, that sometimes I forget it’s okay to judge a little or be alert. I love so easily and so carelessly sometimes it becomes fairly easy to take advantage of me. I’ve been in love before and I’ve had plenty of friendships, for some odd reason I always over extended myself to the unhealthy ones. For years I would contemplate letting go but I always talked myself out of saying they’d change. I’d force myself to believe that it was their fault and their actions one day would soon change. I second guessed those thoughts when I realized that my relationships and friendship weren’t the problem, I was. I was a human puppet. I was hanging on by threads as the people around me controlled my every move.
I spent too much time catering to someone else’s needs, wants, hopes and dreams. I spent so much time worried about someone else that I lost sight of what was important to me. I was so scared of losing them. I cared about losing them more than I cared about losing myself. When realization set in I thought that maybe the same reasons I lost sight of who I was, were the same reasons they lost sight of who they fell in love with or took a liking to. When we met I was strong, ambitious, courageous, and I had the world at my finger tips. The day I stopped feeding into my needs and put another’s before mine was the day I appeared weak, and soft. That was the okay to take advantage of poor little me. Did I have pity on myself? Honestly, for a short time I did. I had pity on myself until I realized they didn’t take advantage of me without my consent I allowed it. I started to question everyone around me. I wondered if they were really with me or just there because of what I had to offer. When you have to question ones loyalty it’s inevitably clear that ties need to be cut. I wanted to let them all go and grow on my own. I had an urge do all of the things that I had ever vowed to do and I wanted to accomplish them by myself without anyone being able to take credit. I once read that you have to lose yourself in something to truly find yourself, and your purpose. Thankfully I lost myself in love! While it hurt me tremendously I was still able to gracefully recover and move forward with my life. Relationships/Friendships are tricky but it all boils down to how you value yourself and what you feel you deserve. You can carry on a relationship/friendship with someone for years before you realize the damaging affect it has on you. Some people never realize at all and some do but by then it’s too late. Keep in mind that someone who’s loyal to you will honor and respect your feelings. They won’t carry on frivolously with different types of men/women openly with no regard for your feelings. Someone who’s loyal, values your friendship, and who loves you, you won’t ever consider doubting. Anyone in their right mind will NOT allow an open invitation to their relationship because they are aware it could create a platform for someone else to cause disruption.
Maybe if I would have been focused more on me back then I wouldn’t have had the time to notice that the man I had chosen chose to stray and give his love away. I would have been more alert and would have noticed those I called friends weren’t friends at all, they were life sucking vultures living in disguise. The moral to this story is, no matter how hard, how long, and how true your love is to some else, your first true and unconditional love should always be self. When you learn to expect less of people and require far more that means you’re learning to value your worth. Today I am confident, carefree, and I am living my dreams. It took me sometime to let go of past relationships but I had to learn what NOT to do. After my past experiences I refuse to allow myself the chance to make the same mistakes again. My life comes first before anyone. It’s all about standing up for you, finding that courage deep inside of you that allows you to remove yourself from anything harmful. You have to find that balance and focus in life so that you aren’t losing site of your purpose by only seeing someone else’s. It’s all about SELF LOVE! You have to know what it’s like to be alone. You have to be able to stare in the mirror for hours undone, and undressed, and not have any convictions or reservations about the person staring back you. Beyoncé once said: “Ain’t no feeling like being FREE!” Love yourself! After all, if you do not love you completely however do you expect someone else to?
Love Again (Sept. 25, 2012): http://whoisamberjanae.com/2012/09/25/love-again/
Love (Oct. 15, 2012): http://whoisamberjanae.com/2012/10/15/love/
Highway Of Love (Sept. 27th, 2012): http://whoisamberjanae.com/2012/09/27/highway-of-love/