“I am an example of what is possible when girls from the beginning of their lives are loved and nurtured by people around them. I was surrounded by extraordinary women in my life who taught me about quiet strength and dignity.” –Michelle Obama
I admire that quote by our first lady so much. It’s something that our generation of women today lacks so much of these days. The absence of examples or role models in ones life can sometimes cause that woman to secretly hate the woman who has everything that she doesn’t. Every year in school, PreK-12grade I was bullied by another female. Unfortunately that behavior continued on into my adult hood in the corporate world and outside of it. I sat and recalled all the times another woman has ever intentionally thrown shade at me or tried to tear me down as a whole. Not too long ago there was the woman who drug my name through the mud and made up lies to get closer to the guy that she wanted. There were my “friends” in high school and after school who felt it okay to sleep with the guys they knew I had crushes on or make comments about wanting to end my relationship to get closer to my boyfriend at the time. Most recently there were the women I called co-workers who made up rumors about me throughout my department, told lies to my boss to have me penalized for things they made up that never existed. They also made fun of my weight, the way I walked and talked and in an effort to break me. There was the woman who I developed a friendship with, let into my life and the moment she felt I made new friends she took to social media to bash me, curse me, and express her true feelings instead of coming to me first. Let me not forget about the same “friends” from back in high school who vandalized my car with eggs and other condiments as I slept at a sleepover that we all attended. These are the same friends who accompanied me on a trip to LA that my parents paid for. I wanted to purchase a designer handbag but decided it wouldn’t be wise to do so in front of all of them. I later purchased the bag over the phone and had it shipped to me and after I wore it around them they made a fake social media page pretending to be me. They posted all of these negative things on this site. They said all of the things that they truly felt and had wanted to say. Later their excuse for creating the page was, they felt the bag would go to my head and change me. The irony of that is it changed them and not me. All of the above are true events that I’ve endured and suffered through. Prime examples of how women for no known reason find satisfaction in tearing down their own kind for temporary fulfillment.
I guess it’s safe to say our generation is subjected to viewing seasons of reality TV and pure non-sense. On these shows these women engaged in false friendships 24-7, 365. You have the Basketball Wives franchise, Love and Hip Hop, Bad Girls Club, and the list goes on. It’s common now days for us to see women attempt to have a peaceful dinner and a simple comment results to name calling, drink throwing, or an all out physical cat fight. These types of shows promote negative behavior from women toward other women and it always has. Clearly, I haven’t always been a good judge of character when it’s come to choosing friends but over the years my string of bad luck has caused me to choose a bit more wisely. I want to make it clear not every woman carries the negative attitude and is always full of negativity. Not every woman is out for blood and finds satisfaction in dissecting and being hateful toward the next woman.
Over the past several years I’ve tried to take what I’ve endured and use it as tools to uplift and empower other women to be greater and come together. While that tactic has worked in many cases there’s still so much more work to do. We as women can’t even go in public and give out a courtesy smile to another woman without her turning her nose up or rolling her eyes and ignoring you. My biggest question is why? We can try to dissect this issue over and over a million ways but a woman will never be honest and tell you what draws her to hate or throw shade in another woman’s direction. Is it a terrible habit we inherit growing up or are we born with that hate in our hearts? Does it boil down to not being 100% secure in yourself and feeling substandard to the women you meet or see and you feel are more confident? It could very well be all of the above and more but I can tell you for free hating the next woman and throwing shade doesn’t make you better and will never change the true person you are within. I was once told that my character is questionable because I believe in removing myself from friendships and situations that I’ve been negatively affected by. WRONG!!! I don’t care how long I’ve known you or we’ve been friends, if you aren’t helping me grow you’re holding me back. If you’re a woman who is comfortable with smiling and parading around town with women who talk behind your back and you’re talking behind theirs, your character is the most questionable one of all. I just do NOT see the significance in subjecting myself to a half assed friendship. I hate the feeling of being in a room full of women who are so called “friends” getting up to leave and having that gut feeling “I know them heffas are talking about me.” I hate the way we carry ourselves and treat each other. We are one in the same and fail to recognize how powerful we’d be if we united and came together. Women do not and I repeat DO NOT believe in unity anymore. On what planet did we all die, reincarnate, and learn to hate our own? I am a grown woman. I look at life as my stepping stool and I am always seeking tools to grow. Every day I awake, I live and breathe to rid myself of old habits. I don’t seek to drown myself in meaningless relationships and distasteful behavior daily so why surround myself or associate with women as such? I find it mind blowing that we can form a perfectly good friendship with another woman. Share our deepest secrets and build trust. But the friendship fails because the person we thought was a friend has not fully learned to handle her insecurities. The friendship now becomes a competition or the he say she say behind each others backs. I feel like when you know in your heart you’ve outgrown someone or an entire circle of women it’s ok to move forward. Don’t continue to inject the poison into your life by continuing on with a friendship you know in your heart is toxic. One of you gets to talking behind the others back and it’s detrimental to the friendship. Before you know it there is no restoring what is left of the friendship that once was. Women should be tired of tearing each other down. Everything is a damn competition. If they feel they don’t equate to you they’re trying to hangout with someone who they think is better than you & throw it in your face. I’m fine with that but it doesn’t do anything for me personally. All it does is further show who’s really insecure and who has work to do within.
All women no matter your race, color, or age need to learn that life is NOT a competition. There’s ways to be competitively friendly but when have you ever heard women, competition, and friendly in the same sentence? You shouldn’t have to remind your friends or coworkers and sometimes strangers that you don’t live to do better or better than they are. Women who are secure within themselves are genuine and do not believe in competing with women they come in contact with. This is me, my nature, and the way I carry myself so take it or leave it. Why should we have to remind you that what we do is for us and not you? I didn’t work to excel in my career to impress you or be better than you. I didn’t buy my car to say I have one and you don’t or mine is better than yours. I don’t dress the way I dress to say I have things that you don’t. I don’t post about finding love & a good man to make you feel bad about being single or having a bad relationship. I’m NOT living life for another woman. I am living for myself and if the way I am living makes you hate me there’s a deeper rooted issue here. It isn’t me honey, it’s you! Where women go wrong is they see someone they admire and eventually their admiration turns to envy and their envy turns to pure hatred. Instead of looking at someone they admire & believing that they too can achieve the same things they tear her down before thinking about lifting her up.
Our pride allows us to hate and throw shade before we commend another woman who has it together and is doing well for herself. We refuse to ask the questions what is she doing that I am not and how can I achieve those things or be better? Again, our pride allows us to feel negatively about thinking that way. It kills us to admit that we value another woman’s presence and the way she carries herself. Most women would much rather claw each other’s eyes out and degrade each other socially than unite and come together. I’m fine with a small circle or no friends at all if this is what friendship consist of today. I’m growing older every day and months away from another birthday. I need women I can coexist with without all of the extra BS. These days, why is it so impossible to sip wine with a group of women without feeling tension in the room? I want women I can collaborate on business ventures with, travel with and socialize about love and relationships. It pays to surround yourself with like minded women with the same goals and aspirations. All of the extra? Ain’t nobody got time for that. Don’t be so focused on trying your hardest to be better than the next woman that you forget to focus on being a better you. How are you controlling the woman inside? How are you becoming a better you if you can’t even coexist with other women without being hateful or competitive? There will always be someone prettier with a better body. There will always be the girl who took your man. There will always be someone more fit and skilled for that position you wanted so badly. There will always be a woman with a nicer car, clothes, etc. but how does what she has affect you to the point you dislike her? How can you possibly say you’re a confident woman and you’re comfortable in your own skin when it kills you to compliment another woman who’s successful and determined? You can’t be friends with confident women because you feel inferior. Why? Our job is and should be to dig deep inside ourselves and figure out what the hell is wrong with us. Why does my blood boil when she talks about being happy with her man? I want to be her friend, I really like her but why can’t I be around her without hating her? Why do I always feel the need to discuss or put down someone else’s life or ways? (That was all generally speaking and not from a personal point of view.) I am warning you ladies find that root. Dig deep inside of you for the root of your own problems & dig it up so it never resurfaces. Hatred hinders you & blocks you far more than you’d like admit. How will you grow in life feeling like you’re better than every woman you encounter?
How will you progress feeling like you can’t learn a thing or two from someone else or better yet a complete stranger? How will you ever get what you want being focused on what the next person has? More importantly, how will you ever become a better woman inside & out if you’re always looking to find a way to belittle or degrade another woman? There are two types of women I can’t stand and it’s the overly competitive & the negative Nancy. It’s an even bigger train wreck when a woman has both of those qualities. I am not saying I’ve never thrown shade or talked about a “friend” however, the older I got I realized the negative affects carrying that attitude had on me. How could I continue on treating others poorly when I’ve endured it for years? I slowly began to see that without extending love to another woman I won’t receive it in return. I learned that the woman I desire to be will forever be stagnant if I do not learn the value of my own confidence and stop comparing mine to every woman I come in contact with. We have to learn to tackle our own insecurities so that when we are amongst our own kind we don’t feel inferior. Instead we feel empowered to be in the presence of another beautiful strong woman (women). Identify with all of the things great about you so you aren’t stressing about the shit that she possesses that you don’t. The positive, successful, determined, focused, and let’s not forget spiritual women are the women you want to be around, learn from, and grown with. Don’t stunt your growth by tearing down the women you need and can learn from the most.
Be Inspired. Be Encouraged. Be Blessed.
Related Post Below:
Addressing Tami Roman and Her Mean Girl Sydrome: http://whoisamberjanae.com/2013/09/02/addressing-tami-roman-her-mean-girl-syndrome/
Gabrielle Union Inspires: http://whoisamberjanae.com/2013/06/12/605/
Encouraging Other Women and Keeping Yourself Occupied: http://whoisamberjanae.com/2013/02/21/encouraging-other-women-and-keeping-yourself-occupied/