I look at my life today and see how much has changed about me over the years. Everything I do has altered and shifted in some sort of way. What I admire most is who I’ve become internally. Now days everything is about an image. People of the world are expected to portray this image and alter whom they wish the rest of the world to see them as. We are living in a time where in one place we are one way and another place we are another way. When I first found the courage to start sharing my life experiences with the world through writing I had moved past that stage in my life. I was once one of those individuals who held behind a mask because I was so afraid for those around me to see the true me. I can’t help but wonder was I really afraid or was I just ashamed? When you’re at your lowest points in life you begin to feel paralyzed. You’re unable to move or maneuver through life comfortably due to your fear of the real you being exposed. A little over a year ago things seemed so perfect. I had a decent paying job, a roof over my head, a nice fancy Mercedes, clothes on my back, a relationship but I wasn’t happy. I am sure you are wondering, how could I wake up daily to all of these things and still I was not satisfied? The truth to that was to that was I was at war. I was at war with myself, the things/people around me; I was at war with life. I think the main issue was my soul wasn’t at peace. My soul was fighting the war of all wars. I’ve spoken many times before about feeling as if the inner me was corrupted. I was so involved with the lives of others or how they felt about me I wasn’t being true to self. I woke up daily unable to fully connect with who I truly was. I’d roll out of bed and semi hate that I had to. I was angry and I was bitter. I allowed so much to control me personally and how I chose conduct myself. Life was really a façade. I had an image I hid behind in order to shelter what was really going on. The self imaged I portrayed helped disguise the war that was going on inside of me.
All in one time period so many tumultuous things were going on inside of me and around me. It was all so difficult to bear. Things were so difficult that I didn’t want to face them. I didn’t want to face life so I hid behind a fake one. My soul and everything about me never knew the feeling of peace. So many things had begun to build up inside of me over the years. All of these things I had never truly dealt with so they lived within me. It was like a haunting. I pretended to be peaceful. I acted as if life wasn’t demanding me to cut the act and keep it all the way real. I had many reasons I felt the way I felt, starting with my home life. I wasn’t happy at home or with my family life shall I say. I wasn’t fully living for me. I answered to everyone around me. How was I a grown woman and still not living life afraid that my family wouldn’t accept me? I was fighting a war with being free because I was so confined. I always felt as if I had to be the one to please everyone. I was always expected to drop what I was doing to take care of someone else’s needs when the needs of myself mattered more. I woke up and worked a job for 8 hours that I HATED. I dreaded getting up and going to work everyday. Even though I hated my job, to the outside world, it was the greatest job I had ever worked. I paraded around daily as if the relationship I was in wasn’t causing me to suffer. It was controlling all of me and I barreled around this hatred within that was weighing me down. As if reporting to a horrible place of employment everyday wasn’t enough, along with my draining relationship my grandfather had passed on. So here I am forced to work at a job. I was crying over my relationship everyday. I was so unhappy pleasing others, when I should have been pleasing myself. On top of all of that I was dealing with the loss of my grandfather. I can recall during that time waking up and just crying. I felt so alone and so full of anger. I remember texting the person I was in a relationship with and telling him about my grandfathers passing. His response was so simple, “sorry about your loss.” He was far too busy entertaining another woman that he couldn’t be there for me. The day we spoke about my grandfathers passing was the last and only day it was ever mentioned. I would go to work unable to cope with everything around me. I had lost sight and focus. I was distracted daily. I was too in tune with what was going on around me and not focusing on finding my own inner peace. One Sunday as I was leaving out of church I had gotten a phone call that my job no longer needed my services. They explained to me that they were down sizing and were laying off large amounts of people. I felt like my world was slowly falling apart.
So here I was, dealing with the death of my grandfather, a failing relationship that consumed my every being, and I was now in the unemployment line. What was my life missing? What was I lacking to where all of these things were tearing me down? I had lost all sense of hope, pride, or faith about life any longer. I was unable to cope with the way I felt inside. In all honesty I felt like my inner self was full of an unknown spirit. I knew that at some point when all of these things were going on in my life I had let the enemy take control. The enemy had control over my mind, my heart, and my thoughts. I didn’t believe anything good would ever happen to me again. I didn’t believe that I’d ever love again or find any one to love me completely. My mind was so full of negative thoughts. I had no faith or no hope that things would get better. My inner body, my complete soul was full of hurt, pain, and sorrow. I had to get myself back on track but where would I begin? I started to change my daily routines. Instead of waking up in the morning reading my ex and his new girl’s social networks I prayed. I decided to not dwell on the fact that money was winding down and I had not yet started the job that I interviewed and got a call back for. I was still very worried on how I’d make ends meet and pay all of my bills but the more I prayed the less I worried. I still found myself wondering what If something happened and I wouldn’t be able to start the position? Something told me that God had placed this position in my life. No matter what negative thoughts came to mind this was God’s plan for my life. I found myself waking up daily a little happier than the day before. The pain that I was feeling deep inside my soul was slowly subsiding. That pain was being replaced with an undeniable spirit. I was learning what peace felt like. I stopped questioning the blessings that were placed into my life and I acted on them. When I was being faced with difficult times I taught myself to further connect with God. I’ve learned to reach out to him and allow him to offer me the peace I desperately need in hard times. I’ve learned to be honest with me. I’ve learned to look myself in the mirror and be accountable for the choices or mistakes I’ve made. Accountability has been my key to a peaceful life. I’ve learned to take accountability for the fact that I allowed myself to experience unhappiness because I refused to keep faith and trust that God had it all under control. We all have the ability to control our levels of tolerance. Think about all of the things you dwell on that prevent you feeling peace within your soul? I was still coping with so many things and working diligently on my spiritual relationship but my soul was at ease. No matter what I was enduring, no matter what came my way, God allowed me to feel peace when I was fighting the toughest battles. I realized that in the past I was out of touch with the essentials I desperately needed to live a stress free and peaceful life. I now know that incorporating God into everything will provide me with the peace I need and deserve. Even in my toughest triumphs my faith prevails over all things. Even as I type I can smile because I know that despite the obstacles and the times when my soul is fighting and emotional war I can pray and be at peace. Pray daily and ask God to give you the strength to remain peaceful in the event you are ever faced with many obstacles that result to your soul being at war.