When My Internal Battle Went On Pause

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The other day a good friend of mine told me that she sees me as an Author before she sees me as a Blogger. That really made my heart smile. I feel like for so long I had been fighting for people to know who I truly am. I guess in all honesty, for a very long time I had no idea who I was myself. It’s been an ongoing battle between who I am and who people want me to be for years. I fought all of my life to become this victor, this, this warrior and still I feel challenged. I feel like a lot of people love to see the misery in me. They remember the days long before I was who I am today and that is who they know. The hurt me, the scorned me, the depressed me, that is who they love to see. Some days I feel an immense amount of anxiety. I feel like there’s so much pressure to be who I truly am. I always feel over analyzed. I feel judged. I feel like there are just some people who will forever want to see me broken. I go through stages when I ignore it all, but it really takes a toll on you to know that not everyone means you well no matter how big your heart is.

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I fight to be who I am completely. It’s a struggle to want to fully express myself and be me because the world is overly opinionated. They want to shelter you and put you in a box. I’m claustrophobic with a slight case of ADD, I don’t want to be in your damn boxes, people. I want to be the brave, prosperous soul I was intended to be. Life is a constant battle between what’s right and what others want to be right. And although at this present moment I am 100% happy, I still feel an ounce of sadness for the people I’ve lost and may never speak to again. I still feel like that scared girl I used to be. I still get confused, I still get afraid. I still cry and ask questions like why. I guess it’s just life, right? We fight all of our lives to enter into new spaces. New spaces of happiness, spaces of comfort, but more importantly, we’re fighting to enter those spaces where we 100% love ourselves. Undoubtedly, I am presently in those spaces. Although I may still fight to weed out my minor character flaws, tiny insecurities, along with self-doubt, I STILL feel unstoppable. There are times when I am fighting an internal battle with what I feel opposed to what I know that I deserve, but I am okay with that. There are moments when I am full of anxiety and may even question my sanity, but I know that where am I presently is by no mistake. Forever I have fought this never-ending internal battle and suddenly the battle went on pause.

I feel like Iyanla Vanzant in her book, “One day my soul just opened up.” One day my soul did just open up! I embraced everything that thought it could potentially beat me. I fought to erase every negative thought that tried to taint my mind. I stood up to every living being that came against me. And here I am, here I stand. Poised, relaxed, renewed, rebuilt. As I posed for these photos, my friend who was shooting me reminded me all day just how relaxed I seemed in each one. I smiled outwardly and inwardly. There is still more work to do. There will be more challenges. There will be more heartaches, but at least I can rejoice in the moments of right now. At least I can stand proudly undefeated, unmoved, unbothered and so damn at peace. When the world is fighting to rip you to shreds there’s nothing better to do than to stand up by owning your power and protecting what is rightfully yours. There is only one YOU, protect it, love it and make sure your soul is forever at peace. Greatest thing about the space I am currently in? Can’t nobody make me feel bad about loving me and wanting to be a better woman!!!

(See more photos from my mini shoot below. Shot By: Brittiny Terry)

Be Inspired. Be Encouraged. Be Blessed.  

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7 thoughts on “When My Internal Battle Went On Pause

    1. Hi Mika, firstly thank you for reading. And, yes as women we are forced to be strong so we often feel alone in our struggles. Two things are for certain, God is always with us and there is always someone whos been through our pain or shares it with us. Wishing you many blessings. 🙂

  1. Beautifully written, and congratulations on your soul’s opening 🙂 I hope that I, along with the countless other women out there feeling the same way, can feel ours open soon, too!

    1. Thank you so much for reading. I really truly pray that we are all radiating, glowing and growing. If theres nothing that I want more, its for me to share my experiences so that all women who read are moved and empowered to be better. We’re in this together. Xoxo

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