My soul was burning. My entire being desired something deeper than I could ever imagine. My interior was longing for something that I was unable to identify with at the time. I felt like a prisoner in my own body. I wanted to be unchained. I wanted to know what it felt like to not be a victim to my own misery for once. My eyes stung from the tears that wouldn’t stop falling down my face. The pain set my soul on fire. I sat Indian style with the palms of my hands rested on both of my knees. I watched each tear as it hit the carpet, vanishing after they dropped. The lyrics to India Arie’s-Slow Down ran rapidly through my mind. I was going nowhere real fast. I had no idea how to slow my own pace. I wanted everything, but wanted nothing all at the same time. I was in such of a rush to nothing, which infuriated me. I was certain to crash and burn real soon if I didn’t take control. I hadn’t really stopped to notice that I was living, but completely unhappy. I was forcing a smile. Constantly indulging in temporary bliss just to get by.
Freedom had proven to be a liar, but why was being free something I still desired? I felt caged, a victim to my own pain. Too many unsuccessful attempts to find purpose in life made me feel like a failure. I had nothing to look forward to or nothing to be proud of. I despised anyone who couldn’t relate to what I felt. I reveled in the pain all while trying to connect the pieces of me that was broken. My soul was at war with my body and the fight had become unbearable. I am a woman, I am human, but in a world of so many others like me I felt alone. I felt powerless. I looked strong on the outside, but on the inside I was caving. I was needy and codependent, sucking the life out of anybody I crossed paths with. I was taking all of what I could get from those in my life instead of learning how to give to myself. I had somehow assigned others the chore of trying to put me together. I relied on them to fix what I didn’t know how. I relied on others to fix something I couldn’t even identify with. It was weighing me down, yet I had no idea what “it” was.
I had passed the torch of making myself whole to someone else. I was a wreck! I was in desperate need to get my life in check with absolutely no idea how to go about it all. I knew that all of the rest of the world could identify with the emptiness I felt. I knew the world could relate to my feelings of not feeling whole and feeling lost. Yet, I still felt nobody would ever be able to relate. I didn’t see myself growing or developing, that realization was painful for me. I wanted growth for myself so badly. I wanted out of my dissatisfaction. Life was at a complete stand still. I had allowed myself to be comfortable with complacency for so long I was now accustomed to it. I thought I had it all figured out, but the emptiness I felt told me that my soul was lacking. I was lacking. Paralyzed to my true self I sought out getting me exactly what I needed to move forward. Accountability was my first key to healing and peace. I had to take accountability for the fact that I was to blame for how I felt. I was so stuck in what was going on around me I wasn’t reaching for what was ahead of me. I needed to unravel. I needed to let go of all the layers that had developed over the years and start fresh. I felt like a snake shedding its skin. Every day I was rebuking a negative thought and releasing any unwanted feelings of pain or hurt.
Our sole purpose here on earth is to live a purposeful life. Despite what we choose believe, everything that we encounter in life is aligned to our purpose. My pain helped me realize there was more to my life than what I subjected it too. There is more to life than the pain and the unconscious decisions we tend to make. What we don’t realize is when the place we are destined to go is overshadow by the state we are comfortable in we will forever remain trapped. Complacency robs us of our purpose. It entraps us to the point we’re no longer encouraged to move forward. We then become prisoners to our own terrible decisions and negative thoughts. For many years I was unrecognizable to myself. My soul had become foreign to my own body. My soul felt corrupted by an unknown spirit, I was hurting due to lack and feeling useless. My life knew no purpose therefor in my mind it had no meaning. I felt that way up until I found something to live for. I found something to feed my soul in a way that it not only benefits me, but it’s beneficial to others as well. I searched deep within; there is where I returned to the roots of what made me truly happy. I knew that writing was my divine purpose in life. The power of purpose supersedes anything you could ever dream of. Writing is so much deeper for me than picking up a pen and jotting down a few words.
As I grow as a writer, I really see myself inspiring youth to become more active in reading and writing. Writing has really inspired me to set goals not just for my future, but for the future of others. Everything I once was, all of the pain I once felt all stemmed from me not living my life purposefully. I was miserable and wanted everyone to be miserable with me. Even worse, I was relying on others to fix what only I had the power to correct. I was a prisoner to my own pain, but at the time it was what I had chosen so it became my responsibility to change it. Distractions will derail you from your focus. Be determined to not just know your purpose, but walk in it. Prolonged dissatisfaction will have you ready to give up where you should be beginning. Pay close attention to the gifts that you were born with. Your gifts help you develop a passion for something you learn you can’t live without. Your passion is always promised to lead you to a fruitful, purposeful life. The power of purpose is within us all, have you set your purpose free?