I walked into 2014 feeling like the Queen that I am, but with the weight of the world on my heart. I was expecting a great year, but the universe had other plans for my life. It was time to disconnect and change drastically. There were so many things I had gone through from 2013 and throughout the year that I had yet to deal with. I carried all of this with me for so long. I carried it until I was no longer able to disguise my struggles. I bottled up my emotions for a while. I stayed in a shell and hid my tears behind my beautiful smile. I lived my life every day as if all was well. What I really wanted was to scream at the top of my lungs. I remember my birthday this past March. I remember the feeling of questioning what was I celebrating and why? I just wasn’t as happy as I would have liked to have been at the time. I find it ironic that I was in an on again of again relationship with a guy for 5 ½ years. And I recently learned to put my anger aside and forgive him. To be honest, he’s one of the few people who know me best. The other day he and I were talking, I said to him, “I don’t even know how I am still making it. I see so many people on television and in the tabloids who’ve given up on themselves and every day I think that could’ve been me.” He said he noticed a change in me, that I’ve adapted this attitude, an attitude that he sees right through. He said that I am in defense mode 24/7 and I am rarely comfortable. Insane right? I find that amazing that someone has the ability to read you well enough to know when you are not being true to you.
Basically that’s what the past two years have done to me. I am never comfortable and I do not know when I will ever be comfortable again. I find it hard to trust my surroundings. I am more aware and observant than ever before. I guess that’s a good and bad thing right? Instead of hiding behind my pain I was forced to deal with what was weighing me down. It was almost as if life was calling me to lay everything out on the table. Maybe it was what was best at the time so that these bottled up feelings wouldn’t have the chance to resurface again. The idea of losing so much in one year was at one point unbearable for me. If I’ve learned anything in 2014 it’s that what goes is gone and there ain’t much that I can do to control that. There were times when I could nearly hear God telling me I have something greater in store, but I still held on to things. I guess it was the fear of not being comfortable anymore. The fear of not feeling the same way I had been used to feeling for so long is I’m sure what kept me attached to such a miserable period in my life. I know it may sound strange, but although I still cry sometimes thinking about all that I lost this year I am the happiest I have ever been. Trust me; it was way more than a couple of people who I had to part ways with. There is so much more that I am forced to live without forever. While it pains me, my happiness is something that can’t be disguised. It’s real and I am so thankful for making it out of such a dark period. Every day my happiness is improving and my faith is getting stronger. I am no longer waking up depressed. I am no longer holding onto guilt, self-doubt and misery. I am no longer questioning myself based off what someone else refused to see. I am no longer setting standards of my future based on the things that didn’t work out in the past.
I have to constantly remind myself that God makes NO mistakes. It took a moment for me to realize that sometimes people are placed into our lives as a mirror. Toxic people can serve as mirror in order for us to clearly see the things God wishes for us to change about ourselves. There are a few people who helped me change for the better that I no longer speak to and I am okay with that. With the start of the year approaching I feel as if I am starting with a clean slate, but headed on the same path if that makes sense? New Year’s have never necessarily been endings or beginnings for me. It’s a continuation on the path that I’ve already started in hopes that I’ll use all the knowledge and wisdom I learned in the previous year to get ahead. In life you can live your life or you can just exist. I learned in 2014 that I want to live my life to the fullest and not just exist. I wish to exceed my expectations for myself and the expectations others have of me, despite what has been believed or said. My biggest piece of advice for all of my readers in the coming New Year is to start fresh and new. So what if leaving people and situations behind hurts, if it is non-beneficial and is serving you no purpose then why continue to entertain it? Some may call moving on in life and moving forward is disloyal, those are people who don’t fully love themselves. When you love yourself you want nothing but the best which is why I believe in riding myself of anything that is toxic and a hindrance to my growth no matter whom or what it is. 2015 for me is all about faith, love, positivity, change, prosperity, and peace. I encourage you all to make the necessary changes in your life. Let go of all of the things where the weight is holding you back. Live for the sake of yourselves and not for others. Surround yourself with like-minded individuals who inspire you and encourage you to be a better you. Most importantly don’t question the changes and alterations in your life. Have faith that everything in your life that has occurred up until this point is a blessing and a lesson in disguise that will later be revealed when the timing is right.
I’ve been strengthening my relationship with God for many, many years and each day I feel him smile on me proud that I continue to grow in his likeness. At the beginning of this year I was a wreck. I knew I had to get my shit together and I didn’t really know how. Writing has always been my outlet. It’s been my answer to the madness and the road map I’ve needed to direct me to a better path. I have always known there is a purpose for me and God has a plan for my life. Knowing this is what has kept me pushing forward. I know that whatever it is God has for me I have to be prepared for that. I have to be willing to grow and mature. I have to not be moved by the things of this world. I have to really be committed to wanting to be a better woman overall. I honestly do not know where I am headed. What I do know is ever since I was little I knew that my purpose on this earth would be larger than me. I am not just growing for me; I am growing for the lives that I will touch. I wish I could give you a list of things that I am planning for in 2015, I honestly can’t. Last year here on the blog I had a whole post on how to accomplish 2014 and tips to make it successful, it was irrelevant really. You never know what God has planned for you. I have to really stop making plans cause clearly when I do make plans for my life he laughs hysterically at me. What I will tell you is to concentrate on your personal growth. Don’t be so caught up in this world trying to be a people pleaser that you’re stuck stagnant. You do not want to look back on your life 5-10 years from now wondering what the hell you haven’t done and why you haven’t done it. Let 2015 be the year you continue to grow and kick ass while doing it. Set goals and accomplish them. Start whatever it is that is on your heart and build it to be the success that it will be. I don’t have a whole drawn out list for 2015. I just have plans to build my work ethic, stay in faith and keep my peace. I just want to be complete. I want to be whole entirely with myself so that I am fully capable of handling what is to come. I want to be insanely, unconditionally and unapologetically happy in every aspect of my life. I pray that we all grow and that we all touch the success that we’ve dreamed of. I am forever saying so long to 2014 and never looking back. I am wishing you all a safe and prosperous New Year.
Be Inspired.Be Encouraged.Be Blessed.