The What If’s

Tonight I had a crazy thought…

What if this dream I am chasing is merely that, just a dream? What if this fire that burns within in me is meant to spark the flames of another significant purpose on this earth? What if this fuel I’ve been burning to keep me going is meant to fuel something else? What if this road I am traveling on has mysteriously lead me in the wrong direction? What if all of things I walked away from that caused me pain would have turned out differently if I had stayed? What if I am not living out my purpose despite feeling an abundance of happiness and peace when I am doing what I love? What if all my hard work is going in vain? What if for 20+ something years I’ve gotten all wrong? What if the woman I have worked so hard to develop into is wrong? What if the countless hours I spent writing books about my healing process were more for me than it was for anyone else? What if it all changes? What if it all fades in the blink of an eye? What if the thoughts that I conjured up to even put all of this into words isn’t thoughts of my own at all? What if this feeling of fear that I feel is not real?

As I sit in the center of my white faux fur rugs, in pitch darkness, the only light that radiates throughout the room is the light from the computer screen. I could be shinning, but with a few simple thoughts I have succeeded in dimming my own light. As I sit able to write these thoughts out I question what even made me feel them in the first place. I intended to just share my thoughts and leave it there, but something within wouldn’t let me stop there. Something wouldn’t just let me leave these negative thoughts turned into words unattended….

As quick as it is to believe in yourself and all that you stand for, there are a line of people waiting on you to say I quit. While the onlookers may find glory in the fact that you’ve given up on yourself, their excitement for your failure will soon fade. What will never fade is the regret you feel the moment you choose to walk away from the passion in your heart that makes you whole. You’ll never forget the feelings you felt, the joy you felt within doing all that you loved. You will always live with the regret knowing that you allowed others to steal your joy which eventually resulted to you snatching your happiness right from underneath yourself.

I had to channel my thoughts real quick. I had to find the root of where they steamed from…

I had to sit back and really analyze what good would it do me to think such doubtful thoughts. I started to write them down as a reminder to myself that every day isn’t perfect and somehow I found the courage to publish my thoughts to the world. The reality is, I am imperfect as they come. But if I am in constant fear of my reality and I don’t face it head on who I am really? I refuse to live in a bed of untruths. Somewhere there is a spirit near me that encourages me to never let my thoughts get the best of me. I always think of how powerful this spirit is to make me second guess all of the bad and to keep pushing forward despite it all. How can one spirit possess so much strength? Tonight was the first night I stopped to think that what if this spirit is me? What if it is me with all this strength? What if it is me that keeps me going when I want to give up? What if I have not learned myself well enough to know that I am capable of fighting no matter how tough it seems. We never know how strong we are until we have no choice but to be strong. As fast as I was able to think all this things and jot them down, I was already encouraging myself to think otherwise. You hold the power to all of your thoughts. Do not ever let anyone hold so much power over you that they control how you feel about you. Do not ever let your thoughts get the best of you. You are fearfully and wonderfully made. Don’t let a single thought or a single person corrupt your mind to the point that you’re ready to give up on you. Have the strength to encourage yourself day. Trust that you don’t need anybody to be strong for you. All that you could ever need is obtainable from within….

 

Thank you for making me so wonderfully complex! Your workmanship is marvelous–how well I know it.

 

 

 

Be Inspired. Be Encouraged. Be Blessed.

 

Advertisements
whoisamberjanae

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s