Not too long ago i had some say to me, “Don’t you think you get a little too personal in your books and on your blog? Why would you want so many people to know all these personal things about you?” Apart of me wanted to be angry, but another part of me knew that some people really don’t understand what being a writer of my kind truly means. I looked to her and told her, “I learned a long time ago that my silence and living in untruths hid my pain and suffering. I was tired of living in what tore my soul apart so I stopped being silent. A silent woman is sometimes a suffering one, I got tired of being her.”
Some days I find myself crying tears of joy. I think about all of the things I never once believed could happen as a child, but they all have begun to manifest as an adult. I wrote “A Woman’s Quest to Self-Love” for a multitude of reasons. One reason being, I had a vision one day that I was speaking to a room full of women. In this room they all clapped and cheered while I cried and smiled. To me that vision (because I refuse to diminish my vision by labeling it as a dream) but, to me that vision symbolized where my life was headed. I did not know how it would happen or where it would come from and while it still hasn’t happened that vision still lives within me. I have had a lot of curve balls thrown my way in life. So many things have happened that I once questioned and ask God why he chose me to go through it all. Now that I am an adult and living in my purpose, my purpose has proven to be the reason why.
So I share what I share on my blog and in my books because God gave me the ability to find knowledge in the most unimaginable places and share it with the world. I think about all of the years I was afraid to be vocal. I replay all of the moments where I cried and hid my tears because I couldn’t bear the thought of letting others see my flaws. I think about all of the moments when I listened to songs, read a book or a blog and someone else’s words spoke for me. There were plenty of moments when someone else’s pain served as my savior and I may never get the chance to tell them that. But, somewhere they have to know that they are living in their purpose, touching the lives and hearts of strangers all over the world. Strangers like myself…
And then there is me…
A girl once afraid of who she was, what she had gone through and all the things that troubled her. My pain had not only become my biggest hindrance, but it had always become my biggest fear. There comes a time in our lives where we have to say to hell with it all and face our fears. I became her! I had unknowingly become all of the women who nursed me out of my wounds with their words. And here I was, once a non-believer and now nursing other women just like me. I only wanted them to see my strength and be strong like I was. I wanted them to see it was capable because I like I did, they had people around telling them it wasn’t. I wanted them to see me for who I really was. The one who stood beyond her short comings and adversities. I came out of the fire weak, but not too weak to regain my strength. I came out of the fight just bruised, but unbroken.
I used to worry about not being enough or not being equal to the people I meet in my life and now I worry about them being able to measure up to my power and strength. Everyday there is someone out there who tries to belittle my visions, “You’re just another blogger.” “Your books aren’t even big like that, you’re a local author.” Those are words of people who lack the ability to see past what they were given. Those are words of people who don’t know God. Words of people who could probably learn a thing or two about my choice to walk proudly in my purpose. The other night my manager at work was discussing me with one of our partners and said “I know she can do it, she wrote three books she knows how to get shit done.” I smiled hearing someone have so much faith in me. I was given this life and no matter what has come of it, I will never let anyone make me feel bad about the cards that I have been dealt. In life we all have lacked many things, gone without while wishing we had. But, no matter who told me I wasn’t enough for them or I would never be anything, I was born with a vision and I am chasing it so therefore I win! You can never lose when you make something out of the shit that people feed you. I’d be starving if I ate all of the lies that they fed me. I can’t tell you that I never let it get me down. I also cannot tell you that I’ve never believed any of it before, but the point is that I no longer believe it. I believe in me. I believe in what God says he has for me. So for everyone who questions is personal too personal for my books and blog, all I can tell you is….
I HAVE A VOICE AND IT WILL NOT BE SILENCED!!!!!!
“Fall deeply into something indefinable. Believe me, it is a beautiful thing. Let it grow inside of you until it becomes you, and then let it grow some more. And when the indefinable becomes the familiar, then I urge you to keep going, to keep finding, there will always be more. That is your role, to keep on experiencing yourself until you know so much that it terrifies you.”
Be Inspired. Be Encouraged. Be Blessed.