It’s a silent reminder that as each day passes I walk further and further away from what I thought would be my fairytale ending. – Amber Janae
One thing I wasn’t prepared for was to wake up one day and think “where the hell are my priorities?” I felt out of whack and most importantly, I begun to feel as if I had no control over my life. My mind was centered on all of the wrong things. I was spiraling out of control day by day, often living in a state of comparison. The feeling of seeing someone recently engaged or announcing a pregnancy brings me instant joy, but that joy is sometimes replaced with sorrow, mixed with a slight case of envy. It’s a silent reminder that as each day passes I walk further and further away from what I thought would be my fairytale ending.
Every day I find myself evolving. As I evolve I realize that all of the things that once were are no more, including the love of past relationships. I’ve found that learning to accept closure is often the best thing for us. But, what happens when we are so focused on moving on that we forget to live in the moment? Are we running from something? Are we afraid to face our present reality? Are we accepting people in our lives to cope or are they there because we want them to be?
I recently asked myself these questions. When I went searching for the answers they were nowhere to be found. I felt a bit confused. I had a difficult time deciphering who was real from who was just a filler. All of the people in my life that were in question were of the opposite sex. Whether they were close friends or potential prospects at some point, I found myself holding onto phone situation-ships with people I could care less about talking to. It was nice to have my phone ring, to have someone interested even if it meant me turning them down every chance I got. It didn’t take much for me to notice that something about my situation was wrong, real wrong.
Several months back, Dannette Smith, Founder of ClassyJonesBlog sent me a link to an article. It was written by a woman who was around my age. She had gone in-depth about her journey to fast from men. The author of the article expressed that she had chosen to take this journey because someone else inspired her, but she also felt she had a lot of unresolved emotional issues. It seemed like a brilliant idea, but I just didn’t know if I could go through with it. Fast forward to about two months later, one of my best friends whose very close to me had texted me to let me know he made it home from his vacation. Mid text, I asked:
“How would you feel about not talking to me for an entire month?”
“Lost.” Was his only response.
While I felt something tug at my heart from his genuine response, I knew that keeping good on my promise to God would have to come first. The truth is, once I read that article I felt like God was trying to tell me something. More and more the thought of this “Man Fast” popped into my head. All these kinds of things kept popping up reminding me that I needed to make do on my promise. So here I am, it’s a few days in as I write this and I am already beginning to feel a sense of clarity. Sometimes in life we constantly wait around for others to determine so much of our lives. We are waiting on a Good Morning text, someone to text us and ask us how our day was. We may even be waiting on an invitation to be invited out. So much of our lives become depended on the opposite sex. Why not back away for a while? I think our most important goal in life is to be comfortable with just us, no distractions, just us for a while.
Our insecurities are always our gateway to comparison. They open the door to us feeling inferior or envious of others who possess the things that we desire most. – Amber Janae
If I am not in a committed relationship I have the freedom to make my own choices. Every day I have a burning desire to draw closer to God while learning more about who I am as a woman. This fast has nothing to do with me being addicted to men or desiring their company, it’s about me prioritizing my life by limiting my distractions. It’s me wanting to rid myself of the anxiety that stems from those plaguing thoughts “I wonder where this is headed.” It’s about me just wanting to be alone and figure out what I want for ME, not me and someone else. It is my time to be liberated, make my own decisions. While love and attention sounds great, I think the fact that I am not engaged or married and with child is the only thing that makes me desire it more. Our insecurities are always our gateway to comparison. They open the door to us feeling inferior or envious of others who possess the things that we desire most. I didn’t want to be her. I didn’t want to be the woman feeling like she was settling because she felt like it’d never happen or it wasn’t happening soon enough. I had to treat my love life how I treat my carbs, “back away and just say no.” I have no idea where this journey will lead. I live in expectancy of self-discovery, truth, confidence and true understanding of what I really want.
I vow to step out of this month feeling new, more whole and better version of the woman God intends for me to be. I want you all to understand that life is a journey. What we choose to partake in on our journeys determines the fate of all things to come. Do you want to be a better version of yourself or do you desire to stay the same forever? Me? I want to be better. Follow me as I document my month-long journey on a fast from men, not because I don’t need men, but because I need to further find better parts of who I am.
Up Next: The Man Fast 2.0- The Awkward First Start
Be Inspired. Be Encouraged. Be Blessed.