These are the thoughts of a woman who is now uterly unconcerned about appearing to exude perfection. I just desire to have the best life that works for me. I want real, not falsely created or fabricated. I thought about all that I’ve accomplished in the past few years and my slight climb to success. If I am going to be brutally honest, the thought of “is this it” constantly troubles me. I find myself thinking if this is where success begins and ends for me. The reality is, when we live our lives defining success by rank, titles or social status we’ve already failed. Success isn’t determined by stage. Success is about doing what we are called to do, not striving to be someone through our purpose in life. It is who were are without titles, false perceptions or ranks that truly matters. When we start basing our success and existence on what we can do we have already begun to rapidly decline. There is nothing that I love more than writing books, sharing my life with others through my blog, but it isn’t who I am entirely. My career desires are an extension of me, but not at all 100% who I am. Don’t get wrong, I desire to be fruitful in every area of my life, but by all means it isn’t all of what I seek. I love my blog, but it isn’t all I have to f*cking offer. I am more than a word count and a publish button. When I started to base my success on book sales and site statistics I knew that I was slowly losing myself in this shit. Nothing worse than the realization that you need to snap back into reality.
Admittedly, when I first launched a blog in 2009 it was all in an effort to feel as if I owned something. I wanted my name to represent something, to have meaning. While there is no fault in such things, it became an issue as I found more and more ways to develop it for the wrong reasons. It was created mainly out of greed and selfishness. It was a reflection of everything, with the exception of who I was. I truly believe that things created on false foundations are set up for failure the day you decide to give life to anything for all of the wrong reasons. What we pursue in life has to be of the heart. Our pursuits must embody passion and truth or they’ll remain insignificant and false perceptions of our real truths. Friday at brunch, after a long Golden State Warriors Parade Celebration I was on a life high. I, like millions of other people set life on pause, abandoned real responsibilities all for the sake to live life in the moment and celebrate history.
For one day we held no titles or egos. All we knew is that we were fans wanting to be a part of such a historic day. I realized in those moments that this is my life. My life is about reveling in the moments that can never be recreated. It is about living in the now, soaking up the experiences that can and later will only be defined by the happiest moments of right now. I realize that for years I was clinging to an idea or perception that was not of me. I wanted something more badly than I wanted reality. I wanted to represent something opposed to me being a true representation of it. I sat and accepted the fact that if all I ever have is a memoir of great novels and recollections of giving myself selflessly all in the name of helping others find self-love, I am ok with that. I don’t want to restrict my life basing it on a title or status that in truth holds no rank. In an over saturated field, there are many bloggers. Hell, for that matter there many authors and philanthropist, but there is only one me.
There is only one me and I only have one life to live and I’ll be damned if I spend the best of my days chasing titles and ranks. I want spiritual fulfillment. I want REAL life experiences. I want to see the world. I want to take endless selfies with friends, not for the sake of social status, but because I love them and love is genuine. I want to fall in love with the same man over and over again. I want to embrace newly found womanhood and personal growth. I want to eat carbs, lots of them. The only titles I desire to possess are those of the ones that truly hold substance. I want possession of titles that hold value. Titles such as a child of the most high God. A devoted mother and wife. The best daughter and sister in the world. A woman living unapologetically as herself. Not giving a damn about social standards or societies limitations. I’m living my life like its Golden. I’m not just an author. I’m not just a blogger. Those names plum in comparison to me being Amber Janae. The spirit carried by a name that embodies spirituality, beauty, truth, love, resilience, significance and most importantly, truth. Death to your titles world, I only desire to take you over as myself, not conquer you by being anything or anyone else. This world means nothing if you live life behind false perceptions or facades. I want to discover me, all of me. I want live life limitlessly. I don’t seek money, fame or popularity. I seek clarity and wholeness. I want what’s real! Self-Love is all about discovering what is really, real about you. Self-love is all about deciphering who you truly are outside of the things you make while not letting them make you. So I’m here to do what I love, what I am passionate about because I love it and I am passionate about it. I’ve lost the desire to pursue anything with the hopes it’ll take me to unforeseen places. I’ve learned that the destination pales in comparison to the journey. Let me focus on my journey real quick, before I’m wealthy as heck and look back and realize my life is compiled of superficial things with no true meaning.
Be Inspired. Be Encouraged. Be Blessed.