Why I Learned to Stop Counting Who Doesn’t Show Up and Valuing Those That Do

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For some time, I’ve felt like the black sheep. Not for one particular reason but for many. With a very divided upbringing and being bullied in school, I always felt like I had to make my own way. But during this time of making my own way, on this journey I’ve felt very much alone. It wasn’t until adulthood that I felt I had real friends or even real genuine people around who truly cared. Imagine going your entire life feeling lonely… Empty at times.  My journey was 85% of me trying to avoid meeting people in which the relationships resulted in me being repeatedly wronged by people I loved. I was living in avoidance of life continuously repeating itself.

The funny thing? No matter how hard I tried, no matter how much I feared, life still fu*king happened. Fear does not prevent life from running its course. Fear actually makes it easier for life to run a number on you because you live expecting it. And anytime anything slightly resembles what you’re afraid of, you run… I spent half of my life running. I also spent the same amount of time pointing the blame. I held people hostage with my hatred. Condemning the ones who never showed up to clap for me. Condemning the ones who walked away when all I ever wanted them to do was to stay. I love you, how can you not love me? How can you not want to stick around? Look at me, I’m being successful, clap for me? Why aren’t you clapping for me? Why don’t you care? These were all of the questions that I had, but did they truly matter? Did it matter if people showed or not? My eagerness to be desired, liked, validated and appreciated, was strong. But it also stood in the way of two very important relationships. The one with God and myself.

Then one day I stopped counting. I stopped living for those who weren’t living for me. I stopped being worried about the people who were no shows. I stopped looking around for validation or appreciation. I clapped for my damn self when there was no one else. I turned my back on the idea that I needed anybody to approve of my greatness. I forgave the people I felt caused me hurt and I moved forward with my life. I sought healing. I sought out to love myself so these feelings that I felt wouldn’t ever reoccur. Here is why we need to learn to stop counting who doesn’t show up. When life comes to an end and we stand before God on judgement day, it’ll just be ourselves and our creator. We will have harbored on these old feelings for most of our lives. Carrying around hatred and unforgiveness because we wanted man to be what only God can be to us. If we aren’t careful we can spend our whole lives overlooking the people who do appreciate us and show up for us. We can forget to acknowledge those people because we’re too worried about those that are never there. Stop counting. Stop keeping track. If they were meant to be there they would be. Life is about growth and progression. We cannot progress nor can we grow if we are stuck on why the world does not clap when we do a job well done. Now is the time to learn that you are valuable despite who sees your effort. You are meaningful despite who sees your power. And your success is unlimited despite who refuses to clap when you accomplish great things. Turn your back on the people who don’t see how much of a gem you are, but run toward those who do.


Be Inspired. Be Encouraged. Be Blessed.



138 thoughts on “Why I Learned to Stop Counting Who Doesn’t Show Up and Valuing Those That Do

  1. Well I Learn to Depend on God He Alway’s On Time No Matter, What, I Learn People is Not Happy For Your Succes ,In Life You will have A Lot of People Say that there (Your True Freind) ,Because they say that Now, Let Sitution Come Up and You Will See That Real Person,I’m not at All mean’s That All very (Few) You Call your Devoted Freinds, God will out Filter Those Devoted Freind out for You ,Im just Say watch for self ,Freind Can Heart Your Heart.

  2. I thank God He put it on your heart to write this article. I have had this exact same experience. I have been hurt to my core by so many who I thought or even said, they loved me. Some even called me sister. I don’t understand how I am still alive, still standing. I too, had to let all those people go. I had to unfollow, ignore and dismiss their presence on social media and in real life to have peace. I realize hurt people, hurt people. I pray for them and move forward now. I don’t look back. I can’t. I am focused now on loving me and surrounding myself with those who love me too. I have been hurt so much and for so long. God is truly moving. He sees our tears and He is answering our prayers. God bless you and I pray you continue to receive the love you deserve and many blessings!

    1. Amen and Amen! God always reveals who is true and genuine in your life. Thank God for discernment of the spirit.

  3. When you read something and find out you’re not the only one facing the same things in life. #Confirmation #Inspiration #Growth #LOVE #Faith

  4. Yes!! 1. Clap for your damn self! 2. Never expect others to treat you as you would them! A persons true identity will reveal in due time! 3. Did I mention.. Clap for your damn self!!! Great insight!! Powerful words!!

  5. This is amazing!!!!! I’ve been praying for this myself and to see your heart poured out here is great. Your message synced up with my heart and I’ve been praying this prayer for myself for forgiveness and to move onward and past things that didn’t go how I wanted them to. At the end of the day I’m holding on and hurting myself and for those who don’t believe prayer changes things are losing out on so much. For your sake I hope you don’t harden your heart towards the Lord because in him we can do ALL things! 🙂

  6. KILLED THIS. I’ve been going through the sinking feeling of people not understanding why I’m doing what I am. This affirms that I’m right on track.

  7. Literally in tears, but happy to receive your message on this day b/c it was so desperately needed. Hurt people, hurt people & I don’t want to be that person. God Bless you & thank you! Pressing onward…

  8. See God!! I was just letting go of some people and then I came across this. Too perfect. Life is too short to be waiting on people that won’t be there.

  9. You are a very smart young lady sweetie!! I’m 65 and I believe I was 49 when I really read- heard and believed I did NOT need another human being to validate who Daria is and what she is becoming! Stay in the FOG – the Favor Of God!!

  10. This was a great article. Although I am fortunately over this issue in my life, it still was a great reminder of how great I am. I personally loved the part where you said life is about growth and progression. I’m a firm believer in that and it’s apart of a clothing line im working on. Thank you for this great article!

  11. This was a great post, basically what I had to realize in my adult years. Once I stopped looking for others to make me feel whole it was a relief, I was finally genuinely happy. Stay Blessed ❤

  12. The article came right on time…this is all i needed to hear this morning. Thank You For Sharing & Stay Blessed

  13. I love this analogy it has hit the subject on the head. I had to read it twice to get a clear understanding.
    Thanks Saundra…
    I needed this and I will repost it on my page. Good read

  14. Just what I needed to hear. Why do we have energy to pull people who don’t care in to our circles when we can use that energy to do something productive?

  15. Yes I absolutely love reading this and things like it! It makes me know I’ve made the right decision/s by moving forward with life as well as forgiving people who have wronged me. I’m excited about reading more of your work! Thanks!

  16. Very very powerful, true to very word & profound for that matter. I got out of that long time ago & sieved all those fake friends. The genuine ones will die for you as in go out of their way without feeling that they’re doing you a favour or are indebted to you. It takes one to go through this at an early age to mature to realize that they actual don’t need anyone to validate them in life. Will share this with a couple of my friends who I know they need to hear this to get their wake up call & move on. Great work & God bless. Now you’re living gal for yourself

  17. This is very relatable yet something most people never stop to realize. Thankfully you have before it was too late. And, thankfully you shared your story. A great read!

  18. Nice read, nice article, and EXTREMELY well written. This piece was easy to follow and relatable. I don’t know you and I don’t fully know how you felt, but I was in a similar position. I still feel “lonely” sometimes, but I’m coming to terms with that. I did learn to not expect a single clap, but to accept the claps that are freely given.

    Anywho, you’ve made an instant fan out of me and I’ll be checking you out!

    1. Your comment put the biggest smile on my face. The thing is, there are times when I get that lonely bug but you just have to keep moving. You have to trust that the feelings of loneliness you experience are only temporary. There’s so much more ahead and in store for us when we just keep moving and stop waiting around for anyone other than God to approve. I hope you continue to read and support the blog. You’re very much appreciated. God bless!

  19. My life is actually the opposite. I’m older and I don’t have anyone I can call a friend, definitely no besties. Everyday I’m becoming ok with but it really sucks. I no longer consider myself lonely I’m just hiding out. I find a lot of hobbies to occupy my time and I don’t mind going places by myself, heck I have no choice. I’m unsure why I don’t have friends. I’ve been praying for friends since elementary school days and still not one. Everyone I’ve met its just seasonal. I give up on looking or even expecting friendships. People are consumed in their lives and I just keep it moving. Awesome read tho.

    1. Hi Sally, our stories are very similar, in fact they sound exactly the same. I prayed and prayed for true friends, but it never seemed to happen. I got comfortable with being alone. That was my key. Although I kept myself busy I wasn’t happy in that space. I convinced myself I was but I truly wasn’t. My advice to you is to dig deeper. Are you truly happy? Are you truly comfortable and happy with who you are? Remember likes attract likes and you only meet people who appreciate you on the level of which you appreciate your own self. I wrote this post a while back. I think reading it may help https://whoisamberjanae.com/2016/01/25/get-comfortable-with-being-alone/ wishing you the best of luck on your journey. You WILL have a strong sister circle that supports you soon. Believe in it.

  20. Sometimes its a smile from a stranger. A compliment not expected. Or a tweet to an amazing blog post. Whatever it is, there is power to change one’s day! This blog post was nothing but perfect and real! (Just mad that I’m just now reading it lol) But like everything orchestrated by God, it was right on time! Thank you for this. Excited to continue reading!

  21. Awsome well said….. I’m clapping for the both of us. We are 2 beautiful and amazing people. Sometime our gifts leave us standing alone so we can reach higher levels, I look at less meaning that something greater is coming…

    1. Yes. Couldn’t agree more. The great thing about our journey is we meet sisters along the way who understand the struggle and support us where others do not. Wishing you the best and you always have my support. Great things are for sure ahead for us both.

    1. Hi Lynne, I myself do not consider myself a religious person but I am very spiritual and believe in God. I would not have grown into the woman I am without guidance and prayer. We all need a little pick me up and reminder. 🙂

  22. What a great read. The fact that I KNOW now I’m going through the same thing you experienced; expecting others to acknowledge me, like me, want to be around me……it’s a miserable feeling. After having the same friends all my life, I still wonder who will show up, who will acknowledge my accomplishments, “who will clap for me”…..thank you for such a great eye opener/help read to keeping my eye on the sparrow, and realizing what I have always known……what a friend we have in Jesus.❤️

  23. You may not read this but, I thought I’d reply and say I appreciate this nice read. As I turn 21 years old tomorrow this is an article I want to keep in mind of for the rest of my life. Unfortunately I’ve gone through what you have explained in this entire article – and therefore learned that not everyone that enters in your life is meant to stay and I have now finally realized that. I’ve also realized that I have to stop depending on others approval and validation of who I am. Anyway I want to say Thank you for being able to express what not everyone is able to that may be going through this same phase in life and may God continue to bless you. Again, Thank You.

    1. Hi Jahnell, 21 is a major deal. It’s even more major for you because you’ve come to a realization at such a young age that most of us don’t see until 40. Our expectations of others often exceed the reality of what they’re willing to offer. If you keep this in my for the rest of your life it’ll be so much more easier on you. Don’t accept half of people. Either they give their all or they aren’t deserving of you. Don’t allow people to make you feel small or any less than than who you are. You’re a Queen and as long as you trust and know this, you’ll forever attract what you deserve. I pray you had an amazing birthday. Wishing you the best my love. Enjoy 21. Feel free to reach out to me if you ever need someone to chat with. xoxo

  24. Thank you for this article..it is so timely.
    I have been dealing with so much lately..too much of a broken heart..too let down..but I love something profound that you mentioned..’We cannot expect Man to be what only God can be to us.’
    That for me just sums it all up..I am picking myself from that rock bottom pit and moving forward..healing..because I’m a child of a great God..and he has put around me people who actually value and love me regardless.
    God bless you.

  25. So much THIS!

    I was in a state of bitterness about how I had spent years being everyone else’s cheerleader and NONE of those people did anything my direction. Sure, they at least thanked me for being on their side and showing support (or in some cases going way out of my way), but when the tables were turned and I needed their support they were all excuses with nothing to give to help me.

    It’s funny how those who never ask for anything seem to be the first ones to offer when the chips are down (at least that has been my experience). It’s that way for kudos on jobs well done too. I do appreciate those who show me love for sure. It was a long hard road not to be filled with anger at all those who never acknowledged me no matter what I did.

  26. So a family member posted this on Facebook and after reading it, I wanted to cry. I needed to hear this so much. I immediately went to my blog and searched for you. I mean if this one post could touch me so deeply, there had to be others, right. I had to follow. I used to tell other people all the time that their dreams are just that, theirs and not to expect others to be as happy or supportive in your dreams because they are not theirs. But was I being hyprocritical? I tell others this, but I still look for approval from others and look for people that are supposed to be my friends to show up to my graduations and parties. Recently, my family threw me a surprise going away party, (I accepted a job overseas for the next two years) and the same two “friends” didn’t show up but many family members, a few friends and some new acquaintances did show up. So I had to ask myself, why does it bother you so much that those two didn’t. So I deleted them from Facebook and forgave them in my heart, but it is time to move on and stop looking for them to show up. My successes are mine.

    Thank you, I am looking forward to reading more of your blog.

    1. Your comment touched my heart more than you know. You are embarking on a new life journey that in itself is phenomenal. Sometimes we want to believe the people we have connected with and love will always be here for us and that isn’t always the case. You’re moving on in life and sometimes that is hard for people to deal with. When we are doing well our lives are often a reminder to others that they are not where they desire to be. You just have to cut them off and move forward. You did the right thing. This next phase of your life is going to be grand, amazing. You have no worries. I wish you the best of luck on this new life journey. Please keep in touch while you’re away at your new job. xoxo

  27. Thank you for this! I really admire that you took the time to write something that deeply affects many of us. I have also learned to stop waiting for people to show up. I started living my life and being a better person in the lives of people who I matter too.

    Thanks again, Sonja Sky | Androgynine Life

  28. This is great. I realize that there are still people who I see on FB, and I still feel shunned by them 20 years ago. No joke. And they have moved on. I am the one hanging on to that. And i thought that I had to silence haters, when my motivation should be to do what I was put here to do, and if others catch on, cool. You have powerful words. Thanks.

  29. Thank you for this post, it makes a lot of sense. And for some reason, the quote “Don’t let bitter or harsh experiences make you bitter, but allow then to make you better” comes to mind. This has been a hard thing to live by for me to be quite honest. Some experiences or things we go through, or the people that do hurt us, we hope and even expect better and that it would not happen, but it does. Now, getting over them is a part of this journey, forgiving and letting them go to the point where our future relationships are better is the other part. The choice to become wiser, and better is ours to make. Thank you for posting, I do relate. Slowly healing, and recovering.

  30. This was great! I have felt like this my entire life until now. I found peace with my Peace and I learned to cherish moments in spite of.

  31. Good read! I find myself getting caught up in friends and family not sharing my blog posts then I have to remind myself that they aren’t my intended audience. It was also crazy hard to look at myself… like I don’t support them either. With time I’ve learned to stop taking things so personal. Life is short and the people that are meant to support will always be there.

    Jas | http://www.jasminediane.com

  32. Encouraging article😀. This reminds me that I never cared if people were there for me or not! I’ve been like this since high school, and the more I progress in The Lord, I notice that He’s all I need and whoever comes to support me are sent by Him!

  33. Thank you immensely for this article. I didn’t even know that I needed it, until it ministered to me. Keep shining sistren!

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