I met Brittiny by the graces of God. We had lunch for the first time on a hot summer day. We downed mimosa’s and discussed life. I couldn’t tell you if it was because of the champagne filled mimosas we were sipping, but we instantly clicked. I knew from then on that I could count on her when things seemed foggy. I always wondered how people feel when they battle with addictions. How they walk away from something that pretty much controlled them a vast majority of their lives. Whenever I experience a profound mental state, I am reminded just how easy it is for addictions to take over your life.
It was roughly two years ago that I lay in my bed, ears full of tears, asking God why me? I can be completely happy and in a great head space and then suddenly, the dark clouds rain in like a flood. You want to forget your pain. You want to resist the desire to continually settle in the past. It is almost as if life forever has a way of reminding us of who we once were. I sat trying to figure out how did I get this way? Why wasn’t I normal? Up until this point, I had experienced many tumultuous events in my life. All of which have contributed to these not so rare, dark mental states. It’s a frustrating feeling like a part of you has no control over the other part of you. You remain silent for many reasons. One of the main causes is not wanting to feel like you’re a victim, a burden and the overall fear of being judged.
“A silent woman is a suffering woman.” – Amber Janae
I was in a mental rage. Each distressing thought infuriated me more. It’s been the only great fight in my life that I’ve always felt I lose. I cried frustrated, not wanting to be a prisoner of my own mind. I don’t talk to myself in a literal sense; it’s more of mental talks, spiritual discussions that are never anything positive. I realized that I was making my problems bigger than life itself was. I was so focused on what I was dealing with. I was living in my mentally weak state apparently ignoring the power of faith in God and my ability to overcome this obstacle. You may hear me often say that I regularly pray for the restoration of my mind. I do this because I know that something bigger than me is constantly trying to take over. I know that in reality, I am only as strong as I trust that I can be. I can only be this active individual by fully believing in God.
Before, when I would experience these episodes, I’d keep them to myself. I kept it silent for so many reasons. The more I learned what I was actually dealing with and its power, I found out that you cannot go through depression alone. As I sat in my bed trying to get a grip on this discontent I was experiencing, everything in me was telling me to pick up the phone. The last time I had attempted this, the person I relied on said that they hope I would get over what I was going through and that was the last time we had spoken. Being abandoned by those you love during a time of need can cause you to shut down, and it’s ultimately how reservations build up. It’s the avoidance of vocalizing the pain out of fear of being rejected. I was afraid I’d reach out and not get the support I needed. I sent Brittiny a long text. I let her know that I wasn’t doing so well, but I would be okay. I knew that I needed to share my struggle with someone close to me. I needed to know in my moments of despair that I had support so that I would not slip further and further away from life itself.
My friend was more than grateful that I reached out to her. She reminded me that she would drop anything at any given moment when I needed her during the time’s life got rough. She expressed how she wanted me to always remember that life is full of blessings, far too precious to be led by our vindictive illnesses. I was blessed at that moment to have her. I was blessed to have someone know my struggle and not judge me based on my inability to control my mental health. I want you all to know that I am okay because God says I am. Every day is a battle to not let my past win. Every day is a joy to be able to revel in my blessings and fight the good fight to stay healthy. I rely on God every single day. My spirituality and support are what keeps me going. It is through trust, faith, and understanding that I am here. I am forever reminded that I am strong enough to keep moving forward despite it all. These days I am in a much more healthier space mentally than I have ever been and that is all due to not remaining silent about my pain.
The first step to overcoming a problem is acknowledging it’s there, admitting it’s a problem, and doing all that you can to overcome it. The key is not allowing it to ever overpower you again. I think the biggest misconception is people assume that those of us who overcome our battles with depression live a happily ever after life. You’re incorrect. Every day we are fighting to cope with life and not slip back into the darkness that we once knew. I am a true testament that with God, all things are possible. The moral of this story is, when you are hurting, when you need support, don’t battle alone. Reach out. Get the support and help that you need. When we refuse to seek help and fight alone sometimes, it is us who makes overcoming the battle more difficult that it has to be.
Be Inspired. Be Encouraged. Be Blessed.