We’ve successfully mastered the art of allowing others to dictate how to perceive the world and ourselves. It’s the art of giving our power away to forces outside of us. When someone we’re close to exhibits behavior that affects us emotionally it usually is them reacting from a space of personal struggle. How other’s treat us has more to do with them than it ever has to do with us, however, we learn to blame ourselves. We learn to allow other people’s outward display of inward pain make us feel defeated. We give our power away effortlessly. We allow ourselves to be hopeless and helpless. Relying on external forces to affirm the power within us. When it’s bad you feel bad, but when everything is good with others you feel good, should life be this way?
Thinking back years ago…
I hated endings. I hated having to cut ties in a relationship, it made me feel helpless. This was also a form of me giving my power away. I felt alive when connected to someone else. Even when I knew it wasn’t healthy for me I stuck around because unhealthy seemed a bit better than being alone. And once it was over, I was a wreck. Unrecognizable to myself. When the damage was done and the door was closed I felt helpless. It hurt to the core. Why did it feel like I had lost everything? It wasn’t supposed to feel this way, but honestly, it’s exactly what happened. I had lost everything. When it was over, I felt like all the oxygen had been sucked from me and I was gasping for air. I couldn’t eat. I couldn’t sleep. I was humiliated. Each thought of it being over put more salt in the wound. How did I get here? I was relying on a relationship to fill me in the places that I lacked and it wasn’t their job. I was giving the other person my own personal power. It took me forever to heal once it ended. It took me forever to get myself back on track. But each time I’d heal, I’d repeat the cycle. Why? Because I hadn’t excepted yet that I was giving away what I needed most.
All my life I thought my father could fix it, I thought my mother could fix, friends or a man, but it was my job to complete me. It was my job to return to a place of power and strength. It was my job to make me feel whole but refusing to do the work I forever fell short. When we pour all of who we are and give more than what we are being given in a relationship, it becomes our lifeline. It becomes the power we need to feel our best. We give someone else a power they should not have. We are desperate to feel love. This world eludes to the idea that happiness means partnership or friendships. A woman’s greatest accomplishment in this patriarchal society is marriage. I’ve learned that none of that is fulfilling if you are incomplete. Happiness isn’t something you’ll receive the moment you fall in love with someone else. You aren’t your best self because your boss compliments your work or you receive a promotion. You don’t spend years fighting yourself, giving your power away and the moment someone else decides to love you, you’re magically cured.
We crave external validation so much so that we spend all our time praying and hoping for companionship when we could be using that time to discover ourselves. We spend our entire existence sometimes creating a fantasy that society feeds us. We live powerless, incomplete and deprived waiting for that fantasy to arrive. Waiting for an external force to save us. And when it does we pour everything, all of ourselves into it, giving it the very little we do have. We thought that this external force would pick up where we lacked.
Nobody can be and ever will be your savior. It is your job to do the internal work and save yourself. This is how it becomes so easy for us to fall in and out of lust. This is how we get trapped into believing that accolades, possessions or people praising us mean success. It becomes easy for us to go from person to person, situation to situation in search of something we’ll never find. We end up powerless and never satisfied. A lot of us fail to realize that this pattern is a sign of our own internal lack, our own incompleteness, our neglect of our personal power. It is your job to love you on endless levels. It is your job to be whole. A relationship will not do that. A job cannot do that for you.
You must know that you are love and there is nothing that anyone or anything can give you that you don’t already possess. I cannot seek or crave from others what I already am. I cannot live deprived or desperate for what I feel daily on my own. Your happiness will never be dependent on anyone outside of yourself. And when you grasp this concept you start to see the beauty of endings opposed to having to completely reconstruct yourself after allowing yourself to destroyed from something in your life ending. Stop believing that anything outside or yourself is your savior. Stop relinquishing your power to external forces. Stop letting this world convince you that you are not a powerful being. You are enough and have more than enough. Stop giving your power to forces outside of yourself.
Be Inspired. Be Encouraged. Be Blessed.
Photo Cred: Erykah Badu