Watching Myself Die [Poem]

f6d0baecc7966b5a5e5ed346d64aa417I scrapped the skin from my body trying to cleanse all of what felt like sin… 

My eyes drained for days on in. As my mind ran rapidly, yet clouded with judgment. I felt fearless yet hopeless, all joy has gone without notice. No warning labels, no smoke signals. Just brokenness. Broken pieces, empty prayers to the most high and warm towels to wipe the bloody tears from my weeping eyes. 

Where do I turn? How do I survive? Will death cure the tears I cry? Will I mourn the old me in the afterlife as I roam freely? Will I find peace, will I heal, will I ever be able to shake the burdens that I feel? 

I recall the night I lie awake on the floor, my hair coiled in the tightest of curls, body bare, the breeze from the crisp air pressing against my flesh. Some how my eyes wide open, but feeling like there is no life in me left, barely hearing my heart pumping through my chest. 

I forgot what it felt like to breathe. I forgot what it felt like to be free. I am trapped, blind folded, surrounded by 8 swords. Am I truly trapped or is it merely an illusion? I cringe feeling the ninth sword piercing through my pulsating veins. Yet, I feel no pain. 

I have become immune to your torture. I am accustomed to my misfortune at the hands of your misuse. I am not fazed by the strike of your venomous careless ways, I am far too familiar with your abuse. 

Back then, you never gave me a sign I wasn’t safe. But the facade quickly faded as you began to slowly remove the mask from your disguised face. So then, then is when I let you win! 

I cut my heart out of my chest for you and dropped it in the molding water that was feeding weltering roses in a gold plated vase. Any remnants of love for you in my memory go erased, my mind no longer recalls the look upon your face. 

When I imagine you, what I envision is foggy, but the feelings are evident. My pain is your pleasure. My torture is your remedy, I bleed disdain thinking how you’ve become my enemy. 

I scrapped the skin from my body trying to cleanse all of what felt like sin…

I bathed myself dry. I sat in silence wiping the tears from my bleeding eyes. I emerge anew, knowing the feeling of freedom each moment I watch my old self-die. 

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